Dear beloved readers,

Okay, I know, I said one week off, not two, but…let’s just say, my mother’ arrival, what I thought was going to be a major vacation, turned out to be a tad bit stressful, and well, I needed a second to regain my composure after she left. Honestly, I will go straight away and say: This visit was not easy at all. 

Years ago, in the early days of this blog, in mid-2017, at eighteen, I used to extensively write about having outgrown my parents in many ways. Which honestly, probably earned a few good laughs from my older-than-eighteen readers, but it always felt somewhat true. However, it never occurred to me that while I was only going to further mature, and this change from being a kid to maturing further than my parents would only get more and more drastic, they would stagnate and not move any inch further. And if you go ahead add two years of living in a different country, becoming a whole-ass wife in the middle, you will just implode. So yeah, it felt at times almost as if an out of body experience, like I could see so clearly the traits I inherited from my mother, traits maybe even taught by her, that I hate about myself and try to unlearn every damn day, and it felt too tangible, and in a way almost traumatic. And I did not think it was ever going to get that deep, I thought I was going to have a cute little time with my mom who, again, I hadn’t seen in two years, and it was going to be awesome, but turns out, I changed so much and she brought me back to so many things I am trying to evolve from, that it was more chaotic than fun.

That feels sad to write, feels sad to even think about honestly. And this is not to say I don’t love my mother, or didn’t enjoy her visit, but simply to say that it all felt different, changed, because it was and it is. Now, one thing that I guess was even weirder for everyone, was the realization that now she’s not my number one family, my husband is. 

I guess it never occurred to me (which will sound silly) that with our wedding, Big and I would become sorta like a little nuclear family of two, and it’s the natural cycle of things. But here we are, a family of two, he is my absolute rock, the person I share the most of my life with, we have what my mom and I once had, but in a different intensity. And if it felt weird for me to realize that, I wonder how it felt for her. 

All of this to say that I’ve been feeling more down than up lately, and I haven’t been feeling really in the mood for anything. I’ve picked up some hobbies to kinda fulfill the feelings I’ve been postponing, but in all seriousness, I just want to go to my house (which I just cleaned deeply) and I want to bake a cake and watch a silly little movie and cuddle with my husband. And I think I will give myself that pleasure. Change is a weird, vicious thing sometimes, but it is inevitable, and I would not trade my life now for anything else. This is the kind of change that was amazing to me in countless ways, but in some others, it just feels weird. And the thing about dealing with things you can’t name is that usually time will be the healer of all of it, so patience is the key. 

Well, beloved readers, hopefully next week I won’t be this depressing, and we will go back to having our sweet good time. Stay safe and out of trouble but, if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it. 

– Your Girl On The Go