Dear beloved readers,

Five hours. That’s how long I just spent binge watching our favorite pastime, Love Is Blind. Whoever decided to put the new season on Fridays, surely didn’t get a copy of my schedule. But this is what we have going for ourselves. We are looking for blog updates later on Saturdays, while I have to obsessively catch up with perhaps the most problematic season of the crème de la crème of reality shows – IMO, of course.

So…I spent the entirety of yesterday dodging every spoiler I could find, which I can say I successfully did, well, besides the one headline I read that said: “Love Is Blind is in its Villain Era.” Which honestly, could’ve meant so many things, but now, after having binged the first five episodes of season 4, I can confidently say that whoever came up with that headline deserves a raise.

I have…wow, so much to say. And before I get to my usual couples dissecting, I want to talk a little about something funny about this show. One thing you can expect from LIB is that every single season, these motherfuckers are going to make the same fucking mistakes. I am exhausted! Every single time, is like none of them watched the previous seasons, and it’s like none of them know they are on freaking TV. But this season, I don’t know how, or better, didn’t even know it could be possible, but they ended up finding a cast that is more messy than anything I’ve ever seen – messier than The Perfect Match, and I honestly didn’t think that to be possible.

And speaking of which, I will say that this is the first season of LIB that feels like they all, or the majority of them, think they are in a different reality show, like The Perfect Match. I am sorry, didn’t these people propose, as in their hands in marriage, before coming to this not vacation, honeymoon? Then why are some of them acting like their time in the pod to date, you know, blindly, didn’t count, and now they have to date, you know, not blindly, in person?!

Also, is it me, or did the whole first chunk of the experiment, aka the pods part, feel longer than normally? Not that I am complaining, but I really don’t remember things being so entwined in previous seasons like this one. And honestly, it’s not like we even got to see a lot more of the dates, we just got to see more of the boys and girl’s living spaces, which at first I thought was weird, but then, ha, then I got it all too well. So without further ado, let’s get into it.

There will be, obviously, spoilers ahead. And I won’t be warning again!

• Tiffany & Brett:

There’s something so refreshing about LIBs first matches. We have a legacy, at this point, of first matches that just worked – some better than others, of course, but still. And I do think that Tiff and Brett don’t disappoint. Is it still too early? Sure. But we are talking about a couple where their nicknames both end on the repetition of a consonant. I mean, I believe in destiny, and if that doesn’t scream destiny, I don’t know what will. 

Tiff and Brett are fine, they matches right away and it has felt right ever since. I am rooting for them even if there’s not a whole lot to say at this point. I hope that preview clip of her sobbing at the alter is simply emotional, happy tears, otherwise I will retire from this career. (Just kidding, I would never.)

• Micah & Paul:

Oh, where to begin…

I honestly want to share with you guys my first impressions of these two as individuals, because I thought it was far too funny to not include here, so here it goes: 

Micah: I feel like every girl who uses words and terms like “empath,” “twin flame,” “affirmations” are actually the worst people on the planet Earth. She looks like a girl next door, but idk I get a vibe…I don’t trust her.

Paul: He looks so fucking much like a guy I used to date I can’t look at the screen without cringing. Also, why does he exhale virginity (no offense to virgins, just a thought). 

Three words: Trust your gut. The minute my eyes landed on the personification of blonde extensions and that bubbly, on the verge of being annoying, voice, I just knew this girl would be the exception to my feminism. Honestly, I will say, she isn’t so bad by herself (I will get into it in a second). But one thing I did not respect or enjoy about Micah is that she truly has two faces. We could clearly see moments of her being all poetic about being “an empath,” and believing in the “twin flame,” but then we woulds see her outside the pods and conclude: Oh shit, this is just like the bitch that would call me fat behind my back to boys I liked in high school!!!! – I know this feels awfully specific, but it’s the “high school” part I want you to pay close attention to. This bitch never left high school! 

Paul is…bland. He needs some flavor. I kept thinking he was Cole from season 3 the whole time and that’s how unmemorable he is. And I guess there are indications that he isn’t in fact a virgin, but by the way he was ogling the other girls juggs, I guess there’s no indication that he is not a virgin either! 

Early opinion: They won’t work out. (And I just said an “LOL” out loud after typing that, so take this in whatever way you see fitting.)

• Jackelina & Marshal:

Man. 

No, I mean, maaaaaan. 

I really did want them to work out. And I know, it’s still early, and things can happen. But from that five minutes madness we dealt with in Mexico, it’s clear to me that my girl Jackie comes with baggage, like a whole set of luggage, and there’s way more to it than we know (probably will ever know.) And it sucks, I feel like she is the most beautiful, funny girl we’ve had in this show. I mean the way her eyes rolled when that criminal said he likes to wear leopard print?! I lived.

Marshal is nice, and funny, but I get that he’s not her type. He is very charming, and I do think they have chemistry, but he feels far too “meh” for Jackie. And again, from that whole debacle in Mexico, I am pretty sure she is not in it to win it. 

• Chelsea & Kwame:

I have one word to Chelsea: Icon. 

Chelsea is, perhaps, the best female contender we’ve had in this show. The level of maturity, of communication skills, of knowing what she wants, the determination, passion, shoe collection? Unmatched. I respect any bitch that dares to bring 21 pairs of shoes to a reality show, and then proceeds to make that a personality trait. Bonus point for that vagina joke. 

She is a very mature, consistent person, but on top of those attributes I just mentioned, I think it’s safe to say that that woman (and this is not a flaw nor criticism, just a mere observation), is horny. She is so horny, and she’s probably so confident that she like, never had a problem achieving an orgasm before, that I think she’s thinking with her coochie. Because let’s face it, Kwame is hot!

Come on now, soccer player, 7’ tall, I only felt icky when he picked up that guitar to “compose a song with her,” but you know what? Since this season, every guy seems to think this is Love Is Blind: The Musical (nobody touch that, I am trademarking this idea), I actually felt like he wasn’t that cringey! 

But you know what is cringey, though? The fact that he seems to be in a love triangle between two women that looked…exactly…the same!!! It’s not a crime to have a type, but why the fuck was this grown ass man acting like Micah was some sort of, I dunno, goddess, when Chelsea literally looks like…Micah?! I don’t fucking know what’s going on. But that conversation lasted way too fucking long.  This was Cole and Coleen 101. If you had just proposed to me, and then proceeded to talk like that to a girl that looks just like me, only younger and (clearly) less virtuous, I’d poke a hole in your eye. Simple.

But did I mention, my girl Chelsea is horny? Yeah…She communicates like a queen, she gets her point across, and she has reached a level of maturity I find inspiring. You know in what universe would I be able to confront the person  I am with, regarding a very unpleasant situation, without sobbing? Yeah, there’s no version of me out there that would be able to.

My guess is that they will try, a lot, or at least she will. But I don’t think it will work out. Though, I am curious to see. 

• Irina & Zack:

Last but surely not fucking least. 

I thought about a joke halfway through the episodes that I need to share, otherwise I will implode: 

Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane Irina. 

(Please tell me y’all get the vine reference, please!!!)

Yeah, remember when I said Micah was the exception to my feminism?! Add Irina to the mix and I may as well be a sexist. What the fuck? A show with the premise of finding love, getting fucking married, and they put two girls straight of the Mean Girls reboot in there?! I’ve never met a duo more embarrassing, but Irina, she takes the award.

I think there wasn’t one thing that she said, either to the men in the pods, or in the interviews, that she didn’t end up contradicting. She has this whole speech about how having acne made her realize beauty isn’t all that matters? Says “yes” to marrying a guy she clearly can’t stand just because he isn’t her physical type. Says she wasn’t being shady with the other girls? Literally laughs at them behind their backs. And I am sorry, I’ve never seen this level of bullshit from a woman in a long fucking time. What the hell was she asking Bliss for the candle about?! Like, grow the fuck up! She reminds me so much of so many girls I know, that grew up feeling insecure, and being mean as a copying mechanism. But the difference here is that the girls in question were actual teenagers when they behaved like that, Irina, if you are reading, you are a grown ass woman! Go to therapy, right now!

I can’t bring myself to feel bad for Zack for one simple reason: If every other girl in Mexico, after meeting both his in-pod and in-person persona, thought of him as weird, and said, with all the words: “I don’t like him.” I am sorry, I gotta trust them. I don’t know if he said something weird, or what, but he has weird vibes. He, to me, looks like he’s stinky (I don’t know if it makes sense, but yes, I mean in the literal way.) And what the hell was that song he wrote Irina? I legit muted the TV and left the room. And now they are going to force this whole narrative with Bliss, ala those two from season two that I don’t remember the names (Shayna and Kyle?! Maybe…) This is the most unhinged couple I’ve ever seen coming out of this show, and you know what, I cannot fucking wait to see how that’s gonna go.

Man, what a fucking ride.

Well, beloved readers, I profusely apologize for my absence last week. I got sick and am in the process of quit smoking, which let me tell you, is going wonderfully painful, but I am powering through. I have a crazy month ahead of me, so having this new season of Love Is Blind, should keep us entertained through the responsibilities of real life. Just a reminder, blog posts every Saturday, just later than usually, as I have to binge this shit in order to write about this shit. Stay safe and out of trouble but, if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it. 

– Your Girl On The Go