Dear beloved readers,

Time, for the first time in a while, is moving fast. Don’t get me wrong, the days are still a compilation of nothingness and pretty meaningless, but it is moving, somewhat, faster than it was a year ago. I am never lost on which day of the week it is, and they are pacing forward like they know were they are going, even if I myself am not so sure…

I’ve been taking good care of myself, eating better, exercising, I even started doing yoga, taking deep breaths, doing skincare twice a day, washing my hair regularly, and I feel better. The days have been colder too, a lot of rainy days in which getting dressed is not really an option, but I got a new robe too, the fluffy kind, and that has been heavenly to keep it simple. Ever since life became this way things haven’t been making much sense to me, and I guess to everyone else. I read an article just today about how everyone is sick. And that is true, every doctor you meet you tell you that to live a happy life you need to be active, meet your friends, have some fun, feel the sum beaming on your skin, and none of us are getting that, so with the virus or not, we are all sick. It made sense to me, I don’t know. 

Even with silky hair, a better posture and glowy skin, I guess I am sick too. I am not happy all the time but I guess I am old enough to understand happiness exists in glimpses of moments rather than a constant feeling. I feel okay, except for when I think too much about this and then I just cry. Last week someone I loved very dearly passed away, someone famous who I didn’t know but never failed to make me laugh and make those glimpses of happiness last a moment longer. It hit me in the gut, not sure what to do at this point, there are so many losses everywhere, so much being erased without warning, and I don’t know how to deal.

Isn’t that such a joke? You know..Death. In my perception? Makes no sense. Okay, maybe I am saying this because I am grieving, or maybe I just never had enough deaths around me of people that I care about to learn, to get used to with how it rolls. Call me selfish, but I would rather spend the rest of my life thinking of death as a bizarre, ridiculous thing, than getting used to losing people forever.

Think with me: You scheduled a dinner with someone, has an appointment with your dentist, has plans for the following week, you have a list of things to buy the next time you go to the supermarket and you have to start going to the gym and in fact, you are already paying the gym, and then suddenly, in the middle of the afternoon, you die. What the hell? Am I supposed to take that seriously? What about the emails you never checked, the book that you never had the chance to finish, that phone call that you promised you would give to your little sister to make sure that everything is going okay with her?

I don’t know where this malicious idea came from. To die. For what reason exactly? You spent more than ten years of your life inside of a school, studying chemical formulas that you never used in your entire life, but you were there, learning all about Newton and Dalton and whoever else they thought it would be important for your future. Had a lot of P.E classes and sometimes you almost lost your breath playing those stupid games like dodgeball, but you never gave up. Spent the whole night up studying for your finals and having massive headaches because of it, even if you never were really sure about what you wanted to do with your life, you never were sure about your career, but it was finally time to choose and you had to, and once again you never gave up and just rolled with the rest of them. And then suddenly this whole thing comes to an end because of a car crash, an artery clogged, a shoot from a delinquent who just happened to like your shoes, a stupid virus who dominated the world.

What the actual fuck?

Death is dumb as hell.

Makes you leave in the middle of the party without saying goodbye to anyone, without having time to listen to your favorite song one more time. You left at home all of your shirts hanging in your closet, your towel still wet on the bathroom floor, and you even have a dog to feed. The others will be responsible for having to organize everything, to clean your drawers, and to wash every step you left behind during your entire life. You, who always used to say “My things are my responsibility”. Just not anymore.

What a bizarre prank: you leave your house after breakfast, and maybe you won’t make it to lunch. You walk down the streets, and you might not get to the next corner. You start to say something, and you may never finish that sentence.

You don’t do checkups, you smoke two packs a day, drink pretty much everything, enjoy your meat underdone, and you die during a Saturday morning. If you do checkups regularly, has zero addictions, it doesn’t matter because newsflash: You will die anyways!

Was that meant to be taken seriously? No, I mean it. If you are one hundred years old, okay, the sleep of eternity might be welcome. There is nothing much to do anyways, you body is not keeping up with your mind, and speaking of which, your mind is not quite the same as it was years ago, and besides you pretty much have nothing left in the drawers. Okay, time to rest in peace.

But before you live everything, before you live until the end? That is unacceptable. Dying young is a transgression, undoes the natural order of things. Death is an exaggeration. And like, everyone knows exaggeration is the raw material of jokes. Except that, this one isn’t funny. At all.

I don’t know. Every since the pandemic started, we have been hearing about it all the time, every time I hear the word “numbers”, I already freeze anticipating what word will follow. And some people are dealing with this better, I see people online commenting about they are desensitized by death, and I can’t imagine ever feeling this way. It’s everywhere, everyday, and I guess it was always this way just not in this proportion, and it makes me angry, and upset, and I just think it’s so unfair. No one could ever prepare for this, and yet now, with the cure out there, I guess I just feel that everyone who is leaving us, is leaving us unfairly.

It has been hard, and I still hope we are going to power through this and be okay, even though we all lost someone during this time and I don’t think it ever stops aching. It hit me the other day that it’s going to be the eighth year anniversary since I had to deal with the first death of my life, and I still think about the person everyday, seriously not a day goes by and I don’t think of that person. In fact two weeks ago, I was at the gym and the song he used to sing played and deadass, at the spot, I started to cry. Death is a terrible, terrible thing, and I wish it wasn’t the only certainty we had besides taxes.

Well, until next week beloved readers, I hope things get better soon, I hope this hole in my chest heals fast, and I will allow myself to grief a moment longer. Maybe not only happiness is a glimpse and not a constant, so I will just wait for this to pass. Until then, please stay safe and out of trouble, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.

– Your Girl on the Go