Dear beloved readers,

I should be more used to coming here during quarantine than I am. I am not proud to admit that I am still having a very hard time with everything that has been going on and the last week was just a medical nightmare for me, with so much drama I think I will need a month’s worth of therapy sessions to grasp what happened. But I don’t want to get into it. The truth is, I’ve been very much uninteresting for the past months, I guess you guys cannot expect an interesting life from someone who is respecting quarantine as much as I am, but I feel, and I cannot express this enough, boring as fuck.

Maybe I was boring before and no one ever told me, but I have this feeling that B.C (before corona) me, was a helluva funny, interesting bitch. Right now, I kinda swing by, I see my life and most importantly, my last college year, going by and there’s nothing I can do to make this even slightly enjoyable. I am living in perhaps the most toxic place one can live, seriously, it’s so much worse than I remember it being and there are days that I cry so much I have to reapply skincare. And it absolutely, undoubtedly, sucks. It’s the sexist dude who gave me daddy issues, the fatphobic mommy who gave me body dysmorphia and the old lady that can only call me horrible and other adjectives as such. And it’s been hell.

But I am hanging on here, my room is once again the only place on Earth I seem to have, as New York is miles away and there’s no way I can go there. Sometimes I pretend to be Rapunzel stuck in here, there’s no way out and no way in and all I get to do is this same, exhausting routine, only she had more creative skills and this quarantine only gave me hair loss and stress allergies (true beloved readers will remember about this one). Also, what’s up with people who actually managed to learn something during this time? No seriously, I am not being shady, I am being jealous as hell, Tony, my best friend who I miss everyday and I cannot express this enough, learned how to paint and draw and all the sudden she’s like, the master of creative graphic design and killing it all over Instagram and here I am, still unable to grab a book and read it, even the new Twilight one, I just couldn’t.

Have I been productive though? I would say maybe, this is my last update before my 8th and final semester starts next Monday, and only in this last two weeks I gave myself an actual break because beforehand, I spent all my time and energy working on my beloved thesis, the only thing is I haven’t actually wrote down anything that I need to, you know, for the actual creative portion of this experience, but lets say that a good 40% is done, and only another 40% is up to me so really, if I am being the optimistic I never were but always tried to be, I am so in the right track. But it has been rough, I have things constantly in the back of my mind like how all my life and treasured things are in this apartment miles away that once belonged to me but may not anymore, how my life and most treasure person is so many miles away and I can’t just get into a plane and go see him and kiss him senseless, how I lost part of myself during this pandemic because not once I managed to get in contact with the part of me I love the most, the part that spent afternoons reading and writing and pouring and learning throughout this process, I lost myself a little bit for a good while there, and I am still looking for her right now, and as I type this, I maybe see a glimpse of a shadow of this person I am so desperately looking for, but not actually, no.

I was watching Susan Yara’s video – because the only good thing quarantine brought me was clear skin and a ton of knowledge on skincare – and she was saying how as rough as this period has been, we will look back at all this free time we have right now later and regret that we didn’t do the most with it, and honestly? I hope she is right, I honestly hope I look back at this time someday and thing yep, I miss that, all I wish is for some free time now. I don’t think it’s going to happen tho, I think that once we are out of this, I will be the first one absolutely frenetic for everything, I never want to feel bored or boring in this life again, I have so many things I am so looking forward to live that I cannot even imagine ever feeling I took this time inside for granted. But who knows, right?

I have been practicing how to deal with my OCD better though, and this is something that I feel like I can call an accomplishment, remember when I told you guys about losing my shit after the sunscreen order? Yeah, that was rock bottom for me and I never want to go back really, not up to me but while I can master this and gain some sort of control over this uncontrollable life that I have, I will praise myself for it. Also, a bit out of topic, but I miss restaurants, so fucking much. I know maybe in the place you live this scenario is not a reality anymore, but my country just hit 100 thousand deaths, that is a hundred thousand lives and unlike everyone else, who seems to have normalized this scenario, that seemed to be more worried about the COVID when we had a hundred than now that we have a hundred thousand, I cannot bring myself to stop carrying, to stop worrying, to go back to a normal life that I know will hurt everyone else. Having a sense of social responsibility is what forces me to stay inside and I am so fucking glad I have a conscious to know that my life is not more important than anyone else’s, and if knowing all this makes me stay inside for another six months, so be it, it’s August, I can handle anything at this point. Or so I hope.

I know, I know, please don’t make me say it. But really, I am hoping for better days for months now, it’s not up to me, it has never been up to me, if it was we would be all sipping cosmos in a rooftop bar in Manhattan and gossiping about the what if’s about the September issue, but the closest I will get to Manhattan is using my dad’s VR which is actually a crazy thing, like literally, insane, going to a world and then coming back to the real one is probably more traumatic than I care to share, so let’s wrap it up right here. Stay kind, stay safe and most importantly, out of trouble, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.

– Your Girl on the Go