Dear beloved readers,

Week two of this craziness and I have to say that I don’t know how much longer I will be able to handle this. I have days in which I can manage to be productive and I feel somewhat happy and days I am crawling up the walls in pure anxiety and I don’t know what to do. It’s a weird, confusing time to be alive, I don’t know when the future will be looking brighter, I don’t really know what to expect, but living this one day at a time is proving to be harder than I anticipated.

This week was better, there were less tears and more productivity for sure. My online classes started and at least until Wednesday I found myself somehow busy, and keeping my mind out of this situation. I even had a call with my favorite teacher who was helping me with my thesis and he was so calming that somehow I felt calmer too – and we all know I am not the calmest around here. Having things to do surely made me feel better and kept my mind busy, because God knows the only thing that kept me going until last week was talking to my boyfriend and crying. But this one I started with a new energy, I focused on my obligations and I tried, with all my heart, to stay more positive about this.

Some days it was easy, better. But other days…You see, I am currently struggling a lot in finding the balance between the fact that yes, I do feel better when I am active and doing things to keep me busy but I will also have days in which I don’t feel like doing nothing and I must respect my body and mind on this one. So you see how this could be confusing. Not to mention, as someone who struggles with OCD it’s pretty damn hard for me to have an “unstable” routine. Somedays I will be feeling great and in the mood to do a lot of things and some other days I will stare at my leg for a good 45 minutes and that will be it, the absolute best I will be able to do.

And I want to allow myself those times in which I don’t want to do nothing because I am in fact having a hard time with this COVID-19 scenario, I am not gonna sit around and pretend that this is somehow making me feel good and safe when I don’t, I feel trapped and claustrophobic and like I am gonna lose my mind. I try to pick up a book and I cannot understand a word that is written, I try to watch TV and I can’t pay attention, I try to talk to people but then I immediately regret reaching out. It’s confusing, I am not sure how to cope with this and I keep dreaming with the end of this, keep hoping someone will call me and say “this is over, you can go back to your life now!”, but it feels like this news are gonna take a good while to arrive.

I’ve been coping in the worst possible way, with online shopping and I think by now I’ve watched Frozen 2 at least five times, so definitely am not the sanest person around here, but on the days I don’t feel like nothing, that’s basically all I can bring myself to do. It’s like I feel weak and kinda dazed, even naps take forever to come and if it wasn’t for my anxiety meds I don’t know where I’d be. Some things do help, like taking deep breaths like Gisele taught me on instagram and playing music, just to cheer myself up.

Life has always been about the good and the bad days for me, I’ve learned forever ago to embrace my faith on the bad days and to hold on to the good ones for as long as I can, but now it’s like a Sunday after another, just as boring Sunday, and if there’s one thing I never properly learned how to deal with is Sunday blues. I just know what day of the week we are in because of my contraceptive pill and if I am being quite honest, it doesn’t even matter. I’ve so far cried for a lot of stupid stuff in life, but this week when I cried because I missed the taste of my starbies Cold Brew, I truly did hit rock bottom. But I am keeping in mind that we are all together in the same sinking boat and we are all slowly, but surely getting better at this. A week ago I couldn’t imagine writing about having any good days and this last one was surprisingly a little better.

Learning a new routine has been really hard, I tried to follow a schedule and keep all the positivity I have focused on it but it’s pointless on the days I cannot bring myself to do anything, and it gets even more frustrating when I see I somehow failed my schedule on top of everything else. I am trying to stay positive, thinking and hoping this will end soon, doesn’t look like it will happen, the whole thing is still utterly scary and there’s no way of knowing when it’s going to end. It’s my second week of this, second post I write about this, and I do hope this is the last, but knowing it won’t be, I will see you guys next week, hopefully even better than I am now. Stay the fuck inside and stay out of trouble, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.

– Your Girl on the Go