Dear beloved readers,

I just realized January is pretty much…done. What the hell, right? Time works in some planned yet unpredictable way that bothers me to no end, and I am not even gonna say how quick it goes by because it’s probably just acting like that because I am still on break, as soon as I go back to college, the months will seem to last forever and it will all go on and on again.

Is it bad that I kinda miss my routine? Weirdly enough, I do, so much. Not necessarily studying or everyone in there, god knows how every year I seem to loathe more and more people in that hellhole, but feeling, I don’t know, useful? Busy? On the right track? Yes, it’s amazing to spend the whole damn day watching Friends with my mom, specially since it’s her first time ever watching the show and she cracks up at everything that Chandler says, but I miss my apartment, and my friends, and going out, and hell even all those little things that drive me insane somedays…Okay most days.

All I know about 2019 so far is that everyone, in a way or another, seems to be having a hard time in this whole you know, new year thing. I was gonna say that it probably had something to do with all those resolutions and being eager to make them happen, but as you know I have no resolutions and I am too having a hard time, feeling a little down, crying a little too much after 3am while listening to very questionable music. But, again, it’s just life, it’s supposed to be like that sometimes and as awful as it sounds, knowing that I am not alone in this current struggle, makes me feel better, so there’s that.

Yesterday, was a hard day for me. Unlike all the others, this one had a reason, a name, a last name, and an address, so safe to say I wasn’t upset for no reason this time. The thing is, we grow older and we see our lives taking a different shape than we once expected it would, sometimes it’s something brand new like a new career path, or new opportunities, different ideas, brand new plans, and while all of that is hella exciting and makes me so happy, I still can’t help but feel extremely upset when I seem to lose something or someone from my past who I still love very dearly and who at first, seemed to be a miscommunication, distance, new life kinda problem, but that now that I see that it only changed for me, makes me wonder if the problem is, you know, me.

I don’t wanna get down while writing this, but lately I’ve been feeling pretty lonely and part of me knows that this is pure self-sabotage, I am kinda isolating myself from people I truly love and care because I just, I’ve been feeling too much like a burden often and I know I am not that, or at least sometimes I do, but I just keep putting myself in those awkward scenarios that make me so uncomfortable and truly, aside from Tony, I don’t wanna see or interact or be in contact with people because, like I was saying, I just realized I lost someone probably because of who I am and if life is bound to be an awfully lonely path, I think I’d rather have chosen to kick those people out than to be left behind. And hey, it’s kinda working, because the people I am currently working on distancing myself from seem to not give a crap!

Oh, well, this is sad already. I don’t even think that is a good advice, by the way, it’s just really how I am currently feeling and how I tend to roll. It sucks that part of me feels and kinda knows too, that this is another case of something I fucked up but kinda took too long to realize, or even too long to want to realize – cause God knows sometimes I can be pretty thick – and now is just too long ago and I don’t even think there’s anything I can do about it. Because unlike what they taught you, there is a right time to say sorry, and if you miss that deadline, you are pretty much dead. 

For example, I had this group of friends that I truly liked, and again, because I was in a shitty mental place, I kicked them out of my life with zero conversation, the whole thing was pretty childish and stupid and me having a five minutes crisis thinking I don’t need anyone, people are just there to hurt you or whatever other crap my fucked up brain tells me when I am in a bad place mentally. The thing is, now years have passed and I see they are still a group and they still hang out and are close and have fun together, and I remember the amount of fun we used have, and I have this urge to cry and call them and apologize and say “Four years ago I was a dumbass please take me back in!”. But here is the unkind truth, there is no sense of saying sorry now because it’s too late. Because four years went by in which they lived their lives without me, and I missed all of that by choice, and it’s absolutely all on me, and I just know it wouldn’t make sense, it wouldn’t make a difference. Maybe it would make them not hate me anymore, but it surely wouldn’t change our relationship and nothing would be either forgiven or forgotten. 

And history, of course, repeats itself with one of my best friends, whom I loved very dearly, more than I can even begin to explain, and whose birthday, was yesterday. That one I fucked up, I know I did, but when I did it, it took me a while to realize that I had done it, so I just never apologized or said anything because I thought it was nothing but he was, maybe still is, hurt at me and I didn’t notice maybe because I am too self centered, maybe because I suck at multitasking and I mingle in friendship groups too often perhaps, and I fucked up, I missed the right opportunity to apologize to a person that I actually never wanted to lose in my life, a person I imagined being there at my wedding day, and all of this for what? Because I was too bitchy to recognize my mistake? Because I apparently have a hard time saying sorry? Admitting I was wrong? That’s so problematic!

I don’t know what this is, if this is an open apology for the people I hurt, or the ones I probably will hurt at some point, but I just kinda wanted to write to you guys perhaps one of my biggest flaws and why I never feel like I am mentally stable to approach new friendships of any source. And I know that if you are my friend and reading this, you are probably either terrified at what I just said or just massively rolled your eyes at me because I can see how dramatic I am being, but everything I wrote here is, unfortunately true, I fuck up all the time and in certain moments of life I fucked up with people I really love and I truly hope I never fuck up with you (which if I do btw, please text me letting me know because as we learned today, I am not the most perceptive person out there). But the main point of this one is to tell you guys that we are all human we all make mistakes, we all let mental illness take the best of us sometimes and we might think this is an excuse but it truly, truly isn’t. I read once that the person you are when you are having a bad mental illness episode is not the person you truly are, but if you don’t realize that and you don’t apologize for whatever you did or said when you were like that, you become exactly that person. Perhaps I was that person more times than not, and as we learned, there’s no room to apologizes in this mess anymore. But the thing about life is that it only forward. I am likely never getting back the people I lost, because like it or not, I am responsible for them leaving and as hard to swallow as this can be, not everything can be fixed after it has been broken for a long time. But I sure can hope that I’ve learned something from this and that I am able to work on this flaw and hopefully became a better person.

Time will tell really, but if you read this one and related to anything I said in here, please reevaluate everything and if there’s still time, don’t waste it thinking twice about it and just say sorry, no matter how hard that can be to you too. Until next week, I hope you learned something today because I sure did learn a thing or too about my personality and that I have to work on it maybe a little more than I thought I needed. As always, stay out of trouble, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.