Dear beloved readers,

I feel like so much happened today that I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, this week itself was already way better than my past ones. Gone is the lonely nights and the post break up tears and now all I have in me is room to all the amazing things waiting for me in the very, very near future. Also, Darren Criss aka the love of my life won a fucking Emmy this week so there’s that!!! And I also had my midterms week and that was just a lot but apparently all I needed to get my head back in place and for me to just be able to focus in something other than my awful love life.

The universe has this weird tendency to give us the things we need and to take the things we don’t, even if at times it doesn’t seem like it. So, as you guys know my ex lives in my favorite city in the whole entire world, and when I tell you guys that I already had a plane ticket ready to go back to visit him, I am not lying. With the break up and everything I am not going to lie, but I did consider not going back to New York because well, it’s still a lot. Thank fucking God I have a very sane side in me who just yelled Really bitch?! Are you letting a man ruin a trip back to your place in the world?!?!?! A MAN?!?!?!?!??!?! as soon as I dared to question if I should or not go. And I was only supposed to reveal this surprise trip back to the city to you guys when it got closer but, again the universe decided to be amazing today and my mom actually surprised me saying that she got a plane ticket herself and now I don’t have to worry anymore what will I do there if everything me and the-one-who-we-shall-not-name planned are not happening anymore, now I am going to have the best time with my favorite person ever and it’s going to be legendary.

Now since I wasn’t planning on sharing these news with you guys, I actually had something I wanted to discuss in this week’s post. So last weekend, I decided to do a little self-care two days because I really needed a little time for myself and to get my head back in the tracks and because I also wanted to use that time to cry what I still had left to cry and allow myself for this one last time, feel everything I was feeling. And that did work, I cooked myself some delicious breakfast without setting fire to my whole house, and yes I am as surprised as you guys are, I finished a book, I smoked less and I came across with something ridiculously amazing on Netflix, and it gave me inspiration to write about what we will be talking today.

So Netflix came up with a series of mini documentaries about random topics, every episode is like 18 minutes long and they are all about something different. As the journalist I am, I thought that was such a cool way to learn about something that not only is present in our society but also that are very in right now. For example, they have one episode about why women are paid less, one about tattoos, one about the female orgasm, and it goes on to even freaking K-Pop!!! But one of them, caught my attention, and of course, it was the one about monogamy.

Since we are little kids we have the heteronormative society we live in pushing it down our throats not only the sexuality, but mostly that we need someone to be happy. From old Disney movies to the rom-coms we grow up watching, one things is more than clear, just like Sleeping Beauty needed prince charming to wake her up with a true love’s kiss, and Holly needed Paul to tell her he loved her so she could finally not be too scared to run away in Breakfast At Tiffany’s, we too need someone just for the sake of being happy. Because as we learned, we will never achieve such thing without a partner.

And the whole documentary is about how humans just generally suck at relationships, in monogamy in general, but how at the same time we seem to be obsessed with it. Also showed the whole sexist view society has on this but I promise this will not be another feminist rant, I promise.

In the end of the documentary I had a lot of questions regarding everything that we see as must just because we grew up learning that those things really are essentials when Cher herself said that men are like dessert, a simple luxury that we may want but we sure as hell don’t need. And it got me wondering: If we, women, more than ever now a days, seek to be independent and are more sure than ever that we need no one, specially no man to make us feel complete, why do I still feel like I will not be where I want to be in life until I find the one for me?

I know it’s stupid, this whole thing really is fucking stupid of me, specially when I bluntly know that it’s not healthy to plan your life about a social-normative stereotype that was created to cage us girls into weak ass bitches, which I again, know we fucking aren’t. But still whenever I think about my past relationship, and how that went down, the reason why it still hurts is that my life seemed to be more complete when I had someone to call mine, even if he probably never were. And why is it that my biggest fear now that I find myself as a single lady again is that no one will ever love me again?

Ugh!!! I need to stop coming here every week and pouring my depression on you guys. What I wanted to say is that 1. if you have the time please watch the series ‘cause it’s fucking awesome and you actually do learn a bunch of cool stuff about a bunch other different topics you didn’t even know you cared about before, and 2. that we really don’t need to have a significant other to be truly, really, utterly happy, this is some big bullcrap it was shoved down our throats when we were litter to disturb the hell outta us as grown ups, but if you are like me and you are struggling with this whole thing, remember that it is also okay to feel this way and it’s okay to want, to seek for someone, for love, you just have to remember that you most definetely don’t need it more than you need your next breath. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy or not alone. And as much as I too struggle to realize and understand this, mean it. I know they force it down your throat until you choke on it. Girls aren’t pretty unless they’re wanted. Boys aren’t men unless they’re having sex with someone. People aren’t lovable until they’re dating someone. But a relationship won’t always make you happy, and as wonderful as romance is, it isn’t the only love that exists. I have seen friendships that are deeper and more pure than couples who swear it’s forever – and yet the friendship is the one people ignore. I have heard so often “nobody loves me” out of the mouths of people who are single. And it kills me because if you ask them: where are your parents, your friends, your pets – they say, yes, okay, but it doesn’t count. Of course it counts, love doesn’t diminish just because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you. In fact, doesn’t it sort of make that love more real that they want nothing – not even a date – out of you? It is pretty to be in love. It’s magical, it really is all of that bullshit they say. But it’s also wonderful to stop for coffee after a long day with your best friend and spend hours just laughing and being shady and just creating even more intimacy than you thought it was possible. It’s also wonderful to go out for a drink date just for the sake of you and your bestie be able to dress up nicely for yourselves and actually enjoy each other’s company, without the whole pressure a first date have. Or even share a whole afternoon watching all those new Netflix room-coms and maybe getting high, ordering pizza and just being lazy together. The problem is: we’ve made everything about “the one”. But maybe “the one” is just you, loving yourself, having fun, and being happy. Maybe instead of looking for our other halves, we should be piecing ourselves together. Maybe I wasn’t born unfinished. Maybe I am the one who makes myself better. And I really hope I am right in this one.

Until next week, if anything remember that mathematically speaking, we suck at monogamy, so go out there and kiss people, have a blast, get laid, be naughty, hell have so much sex you literally can’t feel your legs, just be safe! And as always, if you get in some trouble – oh my god, just tell me all about it.