Dear beloved readers,

College is hard, being an adult is even harder, but hardest thing so far in my life was not being able to clap after Ocean 8 finished because let’s face it, who does that? But seriously what a nice movie, my bestie and I (who at this point I am accepting pen-name suggestions for) literally gagged the whole movie, honestly Rihanna is in it, the cast is pretty much a bunch of badass ladies so you know it’s gonna be good, but once you are there, it’s so mind blowing that you literally catch yourself gasping the whole time, and even cheering something as bad as robbery, I mean if Sandra Bullock wanted little ol’ me to rob someone at the Met Ball Gala, why wouldn’t I, right?

I am actually glad this one is not going to be about robberies or any other type of crime because that’s really not my thing, so to the FBI guy in my computer don’t worry, I am a good girl. What we are actually talking about today is a topic that I have mentioned a lot here in this blog, mostly negative things were said about this and I am not sorry of any of those, but today I am going to write something a little different, and I hope no one calls me a hypocrite next time I write shit about said topic, because let’s face it, there will be a next time.

So…Men.

I know you all just rolled your eyes so hard you likely had a glimpse of your brain, but for real though, men. I know, I have been writing every Friday for this blog for almost a year now and probably more than half of my posts can be considered a compilation of “why men are trash” or “fuckboys 101” or “here’s everything about my bad date, BTW men suck”, but today I don’t have anything bad to say, or at least nothing that I haven’t already shared here and you all already know, the truth is I stand with everything I’ve ever written abou men and firmly believe they can be pure headache at times, but after spending just a ridiculous amount of time with my bestie, between coffee dates, lunch dates, boring college classes, cigarette breaks, bars, literally name the place, we likely were there and we likely  were talking about men. And we do discuss all the issues I always bring up here, but we also talk about their arms, hair, cute little asses, smiles, we literally have this whole dibs competition 24/7, and we take the rules very seriously when it comes to having the first dibs. So it’s safe to say, men can drive us (and by us I mean me and my bestie) absolutely crazy, in the worst way possible, but we I cam to the conclusion that we, are stupidly obsessed with them.

Hear me out, I’ve never mentioned this, but I am a very picky eater (no one is surprised lol), but when it comes to men, I can be the pickiest, It’s literally annoying. So no, I am not here talking about the men I do know and I already you know, had moments with, it’s actually the opposite, because the thing is, once I get to know the men, I will likely like him a little less, not because necessarily there’s something wrong with him, but because as you know by now I have high standards, and I take them quite seriously, safe to say then I ain’t obsessing over any of the fuckboys I’ve been with. I am here to talk abou the strangers that catch my eyes at coffee shops, or at campus that I am likely never seeing again in my life but I can’t help but literally saying ‘dibs’ as fast as I can breathe just so I have a little comfort that, in this scenario, he is mine.

I came to the conclusion that there’s nothing in this world more romantic than being a complete stranger to someone. Look at me for instance, all those guys that I’ve meet on Tinder for example, they seem amazing, I swear to God every time I match with someone and we start to chitchat and if I don’t lose the interest after the first day and the conversation keeps going, I will likely believe until he proves me the opposite that he is the one for me. And then the first date comes and it’s never not a disappointment, because by then I already have in my head how I picture him, and I don’t only mean looks, but how I idealized he would be, how I imagined he’d reacted to the funny comment I already had planned in my head for like a week or two, how he would lean in and kiss me, you know strongly but not too strongly, with passion but not desperate because after all we just met, and I know all you are taking from this is that I am single because I am impossible to please and I will likely remain single for the rest of my life because I am crazy, but all I am trying to say is, the getting to know the person part, is what that ruins everything.

I am by no means saying that it will happen every time to everyone, you all know by now that I totally believe in love and soulmates and all that jazz, but as I sat with my bestie at yet another coffee date and said ‘Wow, we do talk about men a lot’, and she pretty much rolled her eyes and said, ‘Why you sound surprised? That’s literally all we do’, I couldn’t help but wonder if I, during one day, like and call dibs on at least 20 guys, how the hell I’ve never had one successful interaction with men in my life?

I am totally aware I am sounding pathetic and pretty problematic and I am not trying to hide the fact that my high expectations, crazy imagination and sometimes even the way I come off to people are the reasons I don’t tend to succeed in this field, but I don’t know, I guess it just makes me kinda sad. I mean I am about to turn 19 so soon and I’ve never had a boyfriend or even got close to that. And I know many people even older than I am that doesn’t care about this stuff and never had a partner either but this is about me and it does bother me so yeah. It’s not about feeling unwanted either, I have a Tinder account I have guys liking my profile and sending me messages, and I exchange eyes with people in those coffee shops and whatever but it’s still doesn’t feel right. Maybe all of this happens so when it finally is right, I will just know, but regardless if it’s the way of the universe telling me the love of my life is nowhere near me, it’s still pretty frustrating.

Back at my theory though, about strangers there’s this mysterious, unpredictable thing about people you don’t know, and everyone is obsessed with that. It’s sexy, is uncertain, and sometimes even dangerous. You are stuck in traffic, an eye contact when the both of you are waiting for the green light. The light is red, the cars are all lined, and the stereo starts to play a well known song, – “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths for example or whatever you listen to, and it is your favorite. And you catch yourself smiling. When, in all of the songs in the world, your favorite would play in that radio station, randomly? It’s like life is smiling at you and naturally, you have to smile back. And then you look sideways and, in the car next to you, someone is smiling at you. It is a quick eye contact, a smile exchange, sometimes it can be intense, sometimes as shallow as a plastic swim pool, but you always smile back. And that’s the thing, strangers, they don’t have a clue how you are at 3am, how you like your coffee, hell even if you like coffee, they don’t know that you blink every time you tell a lie, or that you snort whenever you laugh too hard at something, or even that you weekly pour your heart out to strangers on a blog on the internet. And that to me is fascinating, how many times a day can I fall for a stranger who just notices me with a quick look, how eager I am to right away picture how he is and probably screwing everything up in that same second because there’s when the expectations start to grow and where I fuck everything up, and all of that is so hypothetical that I can’t even not laugh, or in my case share with my bestie, and with you guys so you all can laugh at me, go on I beg you. All of this was just to say that men are more appealing to me when I don’t know them, that I likely will be single forever, and most of all, that as much as I shit talk men every single day – or every single post – I can’t go a day without loving them.

To end this one, if sexuality was a choice, I sure as hell wouldn’t choose men. By the way is Pride Month so sorry I started June with the straightest post in history, but I had to let it out of my system. Until next week, please go see Ocean 8 I promise you will love it and please stay out of trouble but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.