Dear beloved readers,

It seems like every since I came back to my folks house with the purpose of resting all my energies until Christmas, all I’ve done was actually relax, in fact, as I speak to you I am doing a face mask and eating avocado toasts, so really, this is my own personal heaven.

I honestly had great big plans for this Friday, my friends and I would try and do something crazy and I, in particular, was pretty excited about this plan. Unfortunately, it’s not happening anymore due a few…issues. So I decided to see the glass half full, maybe for the first time in my life and try to open up to you guys about something that I usually don’t tell anyone. My biggest fear.

So, if you read last week’s post you already know I have a hard time not getting what I want, and I guess this all makes sense since my biggest fear well, it is pretty pathetic but my biggest fear is being rejected. Regardless if it is by a lover, a friend, after an audition, by my family even, anyways, I hate feeling rejected and I guess no one quite enjoys that, not really a very pleasant feeling, no.

The thing that puts me in such a vulnerable position with this whole rejection issue is that, I am a hell of a confident person. I take my steps more firmly than anyone I know, I speak my words with the intention of being heard, I have a sort of mannerism that just made me a pro at getting what I want…and to be quite frankly, many people already told me that no one can say no to my eyes (lol if only that wasn’t the cheesiest line ever). The thing is, I kinda believed in this cheesy line until the beginning of this year when I faced my first love rejection and I want to ask you all to take a deep breath with me, because it has been months and this is the first time I am actually writing about this.

I’ve faced rejections before, auditions that went wrong, friends who decided they no longer wanted to be in my life, even faced a few family members kinda not liking me anymore because I have what they call “a fat ass mouth with a lot to say”, proudly may I add. And in one way or another, all of those situations kinda made my feel rejected in some way, but it wasn’t until my first lover rejecting me that I felt in my bones why I hated it so much.

We were friends before everything started, I knew him since I was 12 and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that there was something with us, a sort of undeniable, powerful chemistry going on since we were around that age. We became best friends since he happened to be my neighbor – I know, what a cliché – and we were inseparable. Until his parents got a divorce and he moved to the city that I happen to live right now, we still kept in touch and why not. Anyways, we were 14 I think, and that was when we first kissed, and I remember my outfit and everything else about that day, – how right it felt, how something snapped in my mind and all I could think was ‘wow, that is what a full circle moment feels like’, and everything else felt as if it was really meant to be, something that was long time coming and once it arrived, damn I still get chills because of that.

Since before that, our bond wasn’t as tight as it once was. Distance and school and new friends and honestly, even puberty, – it all affected it and I felt like this was natural and okay and even healthy for kids to you know, grow apart and live their lives. We still would message each other, and when we ran into each other we would allow all of those emotions to just light us up. But things were different, not only between us but he was different. And if then I wasn’t sure if it was in a good way, now I can say that it fucking wasn’t in a good way. Still, we kept in touch the best we could and whenever he came back to our hometown to visit we would do our best to see one another.

Another promise we couldn’t quite keep. I had a lot going on in my life and so did he with his new lifestyle that I wasn’t very found of and, eventually we drifted a part to a point that he would only message me drunk late at night asking me if I remembered when we used to watch the Nickelodeon’s Christmas Special and if I remember how we used to blast Fireflies by Owl City everyday during the good ol’days. But that was it.

Until last summer, when I was about to graduate and right after my very infamous alcoholic coma – which you guys gotta remind me to tell this story someday! – and I was feeling a bit nostalgic. I was done with high school and even if I always hated everyone there, it did felt as if it was the end of an era, I was about to start college, and move away and pretty much I had the chance to start over, from scratch. That one opportunity of happiness after a few rough years that I just couldn’t not take. And I guess I blame all of that and that is still the only reason I can think of, well, besides the undeniable chemistry I mentioned before, to why I decided that I wanted to live a summer fling with him.

He was back in town, still very much my neighbor, still very much into this lifestyle I still very much disapproved. But it was one of those situations in which it was none of my business what he did with his life, my only concern was not to fall in love with him as we now grew closer again, and this time not because we had this amazing connection and this amazing friendship all those years ago. But because we simply had a lot of chemistry in…other aspects and because we both used each other to feel better about ourselves. He used me because I was emotionally fucked up and I used him because so was he. That was a comfort to us and at some points it almost felt as if we were competing to see who was worse. We were very toxic to one another and thank god, now I can see as clear as the day how close we were killing one another.

The main problem is, besides being a bossy woman, I also have this urge to help and take care of everything around me, and since I cared for him, and hated what he was doing to himself, I needed to help, to cure, to heal. I needed us to fall in love, even if this was the last thing I wanted when this mess started. Because if we were good enough to fall in love, maybe we weren’t broken at all, maybe we wouldn’t need to be fixed to begin with.

And so I went there, did the whole classic ‘fall in love with the idea of him’, because I wanted some sort of reassurance that I wasn’t broken, that I was ready to have him whenever he was ready to have me. But his problem was a little different than mine. I was feeling nostalgic and a tad bit depressed with the end of the year along with the end of a lot of things in my life, he used to do everything in his power to self destruction, and I would watch that with so much pain in my heart I barely can write this without sobbing.

Because if there is one thing that can kill you is watching someone you care for ruining their life without being able to stop them. And the only way I knew I could somehow stop this was making him realize that we were in love, even if part of me always knew we weren’t, wouldn’t ever be.

Right before I could get to do that, he disappeared, vanished from planet Earth. I called everyone I knew, his friends, my friends who knew him, I considered calling his mother at some point but I couldn’t, what if he didn’t want to be found? What if he decided to leave everything and everyone and just throw last care away and didn’t even bothered saying goodbye? I had all of those questions floating in my head and as you know, I can’t deal with not getting what I want. So I sent him a message to everyday he was missing, on his phone, because I had faith that he would at some point check it and when he did he would realize everything that I meant with all the love declarations I wrote for him over the three weeks he was gone.

Three weeks later he messaged me saying “hey”. I was in my living room, watching the Oscars and crying as Viola Davis did her speech, and when I saw the notification my heart literally stopped. I remember my breath getting caught in my lungs and suddenly everything opened clear white and I could feel the tension dissipating from my shoulders and I breathed. Three little letters that I needed more than my next breath. Everything felt right until he started to talk as if nothing happened, as if he wasn’t MIA for three weeks, as if he didn’t have a compilation of messages of me saying “I love you, I love you, I love you”, he just said ‘hey’ and asked if we could meet next weekend when I was in our hometown, I agreed.

That Saturday he messages me asking if he should buy condoms, out of the blue. At first, I thought he was out of his mind because really, he disappeared for three weeks and he really wanted to come back as if nothing happened, and later I realized that he was never in his right mind to begin with. But I was certain that I was in love with him, so I politely said no to the condoms and told him I just wanted to talk. He sent me a rolling eyes emoji and told me to go to his house that night.

Long story short, I got there, he tried to kiss me, I made it clear that I was really there to talk, he was moody after that, decided to smoke a joint, I was half tired because he was acting like a 4 years old child and because I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth, I couldn’t tell him that we were in love and that he should quit this pathetic act. And I think the main reason why I couldn’t, was because I knew deep inside that we really weren’t, anything close to that. But you know me, I never give up on something that I even remotely think I want. So I putted on a playlist that I thought would help me tell him everything – yep, Adele was all over that shit –, took one drag of that joint – and jesus, marijuana transforms me in a giggling, talkative mess –, and I kissed him. During that kiss, which for the first time felt so very wrong, I started to cry. I told him I loved him right there and he, much to my surprise, because even if deep inside I knew we weren’t in love and that we weren’t going to make it, I didn’t want to be rejected either way, and I didn’t think I would. And he just stood there, shrugged, said ‘I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it sucks’, closed the door behind him leaving me a humiliated crying mess behind and came back five minutes later telling me I should go.

I know this was long but I had to get this out of my chest because liking it or not, rejections were a big part of my year. After this catastrophe I never spoke to him again and I faced another love rejection, which you read in the last week’s post that I refer to as ‘Friendzone’. Yes, this other rejection wasn’t nearly as bad as this whole situation but it is somewhat someone not wanting me, and I think it is even worse because this time, I know I didn’t fall for the person for the wrong reasons. 

And that is why, I decided to go against the crazy thing I was excited to do this week. I full on had a plan about going to this party and seducing the hell out of this crush of mine who was going to be there and even try and fall in love for the right person, for the right reason for once, but I choose to go against it. Not because I don’t want it, but because the fear of being rejected is too big. And I don’t think I can handle rejections this year anymore.

Moral of this whole post: For starters, I wanted to take this out of my chest and show you guys maybe a more vulnerable side of me, show you guys that my life is not always the easiest but how we learn from those things and how we grow from them. And also, to maybe tell you guys and even myself that at some point or another, we will have to face our biggest fears because it is part of this whole being human thing. It will suck, you will hate it, but I bet you will get something out of it, even if this something is a huge post on your blog that maybe doesn’t even make that much sense after all.

All in all, I hope you learned something cool today and please give me some credit, I managed to go a full post without writing ‘And it got me wondering’ along with a dumb question.

Also, keep in mind that this year was all about me focusing on me but next year will be all about me looking for love, so you will want to stick around and see that, maybe because you want to hear more about my crazy love life, maybe because you want to see if I will have to face more rejections in the near future, but whatever your reason may be, as long as I have you, dear beloved readers with me, I know I will have a good ride. Until next week, don’t tell someone you love them while listening to a good playlist because you will certainly end up hating every one of the songs there, don’t, dear god don’t get into an alcoholic coma (!!!), they suck, oh just stay out of trouble for once, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.

– Your Girl on the Go