My dear beloved readers,

I get to say that I was really avoiding this one. This whole situation made me so uncomfortable that I even considered writing something else. But than again the whole purpose of this site is to talk about my life and unfortunately, no one gets to have the perfect life they wish for all the time – me included.

It’s safe to say that I have the tendency to a lot of thing. I often jump into conclusions and want things done on my way, I tend to be extremely stubborn at times and sometimes even act like a little brat when things don’t work out as I planned. And if all of that wasn’t enough, I appear to don’t know how to fix a lot of situations in my life.

From my last post you may have noticed I was a bit upset over one of my drunken accidents from that night, even if I am still not sure if that is we should call it that. I mean I was drunk and in some level it was an accident, but still, whenever I say it out loud or even now writing it down, something about it feels wrong. Anyways, all I can say is that it wasn’t pretty. At all.

All week long I was devastated about how awkward my relationship with this friend of mine had turn out to be after the drunk thing – sounds kinda better than accident. Our daily conversations about random things and MasterChef turned out to be something that felt forced, like we were both trying to make it feel normal when in fact it felt as uncomfortable as…I don’t know a bad straight porn, if you know what I mean. I figured he needed some space but than again I also needed some space, so logically, even if we somehow tried to keep talking, it wasn’t the same thing and it was clearly that things weren’t even close to going back to normal.

The impression I had this week was that somehow my life had become a gradient of bad things. It was the very first time in my life that I wasn’t listening to my usual and very loved Broadway playlist that was pretty much on replay since I was like, 14. Instead I came all the way back to my indie depressing rock roots and if that wasn’t a huge fucking sign that I was losing it, the fact that I couldn’t sleep at night was. In fact, it wasn’t that I couldn’t fall asleep, because I could, but somehow I just had the urge to wake up at least 4 times every single night since it happened. As on of my friends so kindly put and hence the post title – Moral Hungover. That was the main problem.

To top all of that, I am currently and not even kidding on my 7th day of a very unwanted headache and it is still going strong. The first three days were almost unbearable but now it is just this little pounding, unforgiving pain that is consuming my very last nerve to deal with this whole thing. It works almost as a constant reminder, a real unforgiving sign to maybe to stop drinking alcohol, maybe to stop mixing my feelings, but surely to stop blaming myself over something that was already done. And I couldn’t fix the last one.

The good part was that I, as a very logical and determined person with barely no time to breath let alone suffer over situations my drunk self got me into, decided that I would only be allowed to live my mourning period while I was reading and until I finished the goddamn book I found on the unknown shelfs of the iBooks store and started Saturday last week after it all happened and I felt the desperate need of a distraction. And Jesus fucking Christ, I had an epiphany each and every page.

I am not sharing the book name, nor what the story was about besides the fact that it was a very dramatic, very depressing romance – my favorite kind to be honest – and how midway through the story I realized exactly where I went wrong with this thing with my friend and, to be very honest, with previous relationships too.

That thing I told you guys about, my mother’s speech to me after I came back home drunk in the last post? Wasn’t even slightly a lie. It was all very delicate, very difficult to hear, but above all, true. The thing is, and as hard as it is to admit, a part of me is just so desperate to be loved and to find someone and not to be alone that I tend to project myself on the books I read and sometimes even write, and project the people from my past as those character and picture a complete love story that isn’t mine or real. And during that projection I end up falling for a character, the idea of a person that I create in my head and none of that is real. I build a fake reality in which everything is so very fake and I fall so very hard for that, every time.

How disturbing that is? Confusing even. The funniest part? I was talking to one of my closest friends on Tuesday night when we were both taking a break from studying, she was smoking her cigarettes in that very lovely way only she can do and I was trying to hold my pieces together, because I had two important tests on Wednesday and my mourning period was restricted to the moments in which I was buried inside the pages of the goddamn book. And when I told her all of that, because so far she only knew small pieces of the story and I figured it was something I needed to take out of my chest – and trust me, I had the need all week long to write something here and share it with you guys but I just needed more time, really. Anyways, she looked me deadly in the eye and said, “I am so grateful you said that. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you.” Like that. And I couldn’t even be offended because, hell, it was true. You can’t be mad with someone for stating a simple and apparently, very obvious fact.

To end this endlessly week, before I jump into a weekend filled with heartbreaking movies with devastating ends, starting with Casablanca and ending with The Way We Were;  I can only hope for a better one and to find a way to manage to get over this, get my friendship back in the track and somehow cure this endless headache and maybe, just maybe, stop looking for love. They say you have to stop looking for it so it can come on your way, and I am just not sure how to stop looking for something every living fiber of your heart claims for, but I know I will somehow figure it out. And if this week you are the one who has great advice to share with me, please, I beg you, do it!

Until next time, listen to this song because it is really good and I am done crying over it by myself, don’t drink too much alcohol and for crying out loud stay out of trouble but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.

– Your Girl on the Go