Dear beloved readers,
It’s my free starbies day (curtesy of my best friend Stan who gave me his punchy card as a gift) which means, it is a great day. The weather is getting more friendly and less frightening, and I have to say, I spent the whole week excited to come write for you guys.
You see, not that it is any surprise, after all if you read my posts, which as we learned last week are essays – yes, I am a blogessayist, what about it?! –, you know it is not every week that I come here with a full blown plan. In a way, I like it, makes this more conversational and less strict, but sometimes I miss the beginning of the blog where I seemed to have all the topics in the world to rant about in here, but I guess it is normal to run dry sometimes. But not this week. This week, I have something to share with you guys, something I hope resonates with some of you, because it is not something I see nearly enough people talking about.
When I went on a date with my girlfriends two weeks ago, obviously one of the topics that popped into our conversation was sex. Sex, the taboo reclaimed thanks to SATC, is now just another topic, among many others, that are naturally included in our inner groups. I don’t particularly love to share my intimacy, especially now that I am in a serious relationship, celebrating our Valentine’s day for the third year in a row, and all that jazz. But I have no problem engaging in the conversation without being too into the deets, in fact, I love engaging in the conversation about sex, I find it to be very freeing and liberating as a woman.
Well, on that day, my friend Ash told us the most baffling thing I’ve ever heard in my life, she said, not smugly or bragging, “I always orgasm during sex”, excuse me, what?! I basically begged her to give me a blessing to be this lucky in my life. Kate and I looked at each other as if we had just witnessed the review of who Gossip Girl was in person, but way more exciting and less annoying than Dan Humphrey. Ash is one of the lucky ones, obviously it is no secret that women have a harder time achieving orgasm, especially with only penetration, and to hear that the myth is actually a reality, made me tell them about a part of my life I don’t particularly love.
I said: “The weather report is dry in my Vaginaville. It has been worst than the Sahara desert lately down there, and I haven’t been feeling the need to even masturbate.”
There it was, the one thing I never wanted to admit. Obviously it is no surprise that once on birth control, and I mean the pill specifically, you can sometimes end up dealing with inconveniences like that. I never thought I would have my libido lowered, considering once upon not even two years ago, I’d wake up early on Saturday to wank until my fingers became pruney, have a blasting orgasm, and fall back asleep in the simple bliss of my self loving act. My libido was so high and active that, in the first year of being on the pill, I didn’t feel much of a change. But lately…I think my vagina is broken.
Truth being told, I still have sex. Because sex is overall fun and I still feel a lot of pleasure even if I don’t always cum. I still feel desire, I still want to be touched, licked, the whole shablam. But the thing is, I miss masturbating, or rather, I miss feeling the itch, the need, the desperation for release. I miss wanting to rub a quick one out just to relief stress. Maybe that is it, have I cracked the code? Am I more stressed because I haven’t been cumming on a daily?
When I blurted those words out loud, my friend Kate reached for my arm and said, “Thank you for saying that, I thought I was the only one!” I never felt like I was in this alone, a lot of hours researching on Google confirmed me the downsides of taking the pill, but I can’t not be on the pill for hormonal reasons so like, fuck me right!? But I decided to share this here because maybe you, much like lovely Kate, thought you were alone in this dry and boring pill life.
A funny thing happened to me this week. We were discussing in class about words we hate, and one of my peers said “moist”. My professor, strong woman that I love, said that hating that word is being anti-women, she was half joking I think, but the thing is, it took me a second to get what she meant, because I don’t think of my vagina as moist anymore, I don’t think of her as wet little thing I loved. And if you think this is TMI, well I am sorry to tell you women masturbate, or used to masturbate, but above all should masturbate.
The thing about masturbation, though, is that it can’t be forced, or at least it shouldn’t be. I don’t want to masturbate just for the sake of masturbating, to turn it into homework, to force myself to do it just because I haven’t orgasmed in a while. I think, what really bothers me is that I don’t seem to have the need to orgasm anymore, and that is scary! Can you think of something better than an orgasm? And I mean the toe-curling kind, that makes you lift your back from the bed, muffle your moans, and relax like never before? Even writing this right now, it is like I barely remember the feeling, the tingle, the desire. And yet, when I think about sex, which doesn’t always involves my orgasms, I feel myself excited, and craving that. I am not sure what this says about me, but alas it is true.
I hate that the pill was created for us, women, who can only have one child per year max, while men can impregnate as many women he can all year round if he wants to. Clearly it was made for the wrong gender, but I guess there’s no point in arguing the unfairness of those things. The world is sexist, so what?! I, however, want my vagina back. I want her to come back to me as randomly as the day she seem to have left me, and I want it to be better than it ever was. I want my libido high and full blast, I want to hear the word “moist” and chuckle lightly remembering of who that word belongs to, and lastly, I want to have an orgasm that makes me forget about all my worries. Is that too much to ask?!
Well beloved readers, I know this was just a rant and there is no clear point, epiphany, or strong argument in this essay, but, however, I hope this resonates with any of you, because frankly, the world is far too big for us to go around thinking our vaginas are the only ones broken. There are plenty of us going through this drop of libido together, plenty of us who have tried the herbal teas, the supplements, special lubes, the occasional green puff, but honestly, in the end, let it be known, our libidos were stolen from us, and it seems like it won’t be making its return anytime soon.
I don’t know what to tell you, life is quite sad on the dryer side, and there seem to be no machine to excite me about rubbing one out, so I guess I leave you guys a little hopeless this week. My only hope is that this made you somehow feel less alone, and that maybe you laughed a little. Anyways, I will see you guys next week, stay safe and out of trouble, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.
– Your Girl on the Go