Dear beloved readers,
Something happened yesterday that made me super uncomfortable, and I am here to discuss this and the feminist agenda today.
So, for a few months now, I started to work out again, at a proper gym instead of the half-assed workouts I managed to do at home when everything was closed. It has been a fun time even though social anxiety sometimes get me ten minutes before I have to go…I have always been super insecure in the gym environment, maybe the word is uncomfortable rather than insecure, I know I’ve mentioned this before to you guys, but there’s something about it that is awfully cringey to me. Like for instance, I sometimes can’t shake off the feeling that everyone is looking at me, particularly when I am doing something that puts my body into a, let’s say exposed position for a lack of a better term, like squats for example, I feel like everyone is staring at my ass and judging, which is ridiculous, as I know no one cares. And it’s cringey because well, the men and women at my gym sometimes do believe that the gym is an event and a battle for attention, so between neon patterns, heavy makeup, shirtless dudes and a lot of moans – yes, I don’t get it either –, the gym can be quite insufferable to me.
It has nothing to do with being unhappy with my body, which I sometimes very much am, specially since it changed so much during quarantine. But I am able to understand more and more everyday that my life pre-quarantine was way more active, and even though now I am finally able to get some exercise in my routine, it is not nearly like it was before when I was free to go on about my day. I am insecure there because it’s uncomfortable, and maybe I am a little bit of a snob and just assume everyone there is overly narcissistic and superficial, which can be a completely wrong judgment but from the conversations I catch here and there, I don’t think I totally am.
Also, the mask thing reassures me that many people there don’t have a brain. There’s this guy there, probably in his 50’s, the biggest slob I’ve ever met in my life, he occupies three spaces at once, doesn’t bring a towel so everything he touches is drenched in sweat, wears loose shorts and no underwear – and I only notices because his hand, whenever they aren’t on his face, are on his balls –, and has his mask hanging loose by his chin. It’s a bloody disaster, and no matter how disgusted looks I give him, he still maintains that behavior like a good senseless jerk he is.
But what happened yesterday had nothing to do with ignorance or gross habits, it had to do with something that I happen to find even more disgusting, which is sexism. Sexism is embroidered in our brains and rooted deeply in our society, and like every feminist, since the day I started to research and learn about the topic years ago, I started to notice this patterns around me and inside me, and I started to unlearn them and deconstruct their notions inside me. For example, rooted misogyny, female competition, slut shaming, those are things that exist in all of us due to the patriarchy and the sexist society we were born in, and it’s our job to unlearn them and reevaluate why we do those things. And that is something that I take pride on saying that I’ve been successful at, when I compare my present self with my past self, that was always competing with my girl friends, and judging other girls based on this and that, I am super aware of how I simply learned to mind my business and respect and cheer for my fellow girls, and I was surprised when the same energy wasn’t given to me.
I do understand the path is different for all of us and it can take a different amount of time to unlearn those habits. I however also know that not every person on this planet, women included, are interested in unlearning those things, or interested in feminism at all. I don’t approve that, as I think feminism can only benefit us as people and as a society, but I know there are plenty of pro-patriarchy, pro-sexism, even pro-Trump women all there, and that is scary to me.
I am a small gal, I am humbly 5’2, I am curvy, and I look so ugly in a ponytail. I try to be discreet at the gym for the reasons I mentioned earlier, I wear a lot of layers to feel more comfortable and that’s how I feel the best at that environment, and I am okay with that and with however else people like to dress at the gym, even if I find some of it completely unnecessary like the shirtless men I mentioned earlier, especially since most of them like to act like we are at the zoo and they are the main attraction, that good’ol alpha male energy that makes me sick to my stomach. But yesterday, this girl, about my age, was there too. You know that thing about sexual tension when you see someone your age at the same public place as you do? Well, there was no sexual tension but there was this vibe that was just off. We were walking on different directions and I’ve never seen her before, I stared for a second because her mask was a little down her nose and whenever I see someone my age, as you know, we are supposed to be the woke generation, I get super confused. She was way taller than me, was skinny and had her stomach out as her best accessory, and she looked stunning in a ponytail. She fixed her mask on her face and I smiled at her – with my eyes squinting obviously –, you know a friendly greeting, a “I see ya girl, love that!”, and she looked me up and down, and rolled her eyes.
That took me by surprise and made me super uncomfortable. I still don’t know if she did that because she didn’t like what she saw, or if it is because I was obviously staring as in begging her to fix her mask, but whatever it was, it was super uncalled for and it made me want to leave that place as soon as possible. Maybe I am delusional to assume that the days where women hate me at first sight – which has happened quite a lot through my life – are gone and forgotten. Maybe it is naive and silly to assume that every girl I know is also at the same level of respect for each other as I am right now, though my social circle tells me otherwise, but then again that’s a bubble point of view and it says absolutely nothing. Above everything, it made me sad. I was hurt by that action because it made me realize that that feeling we women have when we are in an uncomfortable situation – which as women, there are many –, and we find each other even without knowing one another and it’s almost a relief, peaceful sight, made me realize that that’s not always the case, some women won’t be there for you at all despite the fact that we fight the same fight, even though some seem to be quite unaware and unbothered of our battle.
Privilege is a funny thing. Some people won’t care for a cause simply because it doesn’t affect them directly, and that’s privilege speak loudly, what doesn’t concern me, doesn’t bother me, is none of my business. But then there’s common sense, and empathy, and those make us feel compassion and make us aware of the problems different people and communities face, and it is exactly what we need in this world, we need for people, no matter what gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, to feel empathy for different causes and stand together for every minority who needs our attention. As women, we are not in a position of privilege at all, not with how bad inequality still is in most places of this world, not with how often we are violated for just existing, not with how often we get killed. We need each other, badly, and I can’t express enough how much we need to be there for us, because no one else really is. So if there’s one message I’ve been trying to pass through this blog since the day I created it, is to my girls, my beloved readers, to always stand up for each other and for injustice, and to grow into empowered women, women who don’t take shit and who always show up. We are fighting every damn day for respect, and that has to start between is.
Until next week beloved readers, please stay empowered, safe and out of trouble, but – oh my god, tell me all about it.
– Your Girl on the Go