Dear beloved readers,
The scariest thing about quarantine, as that is still going on, is the amount of free time we all have in our hands. And free time is a writer’s biggest nightmare, as it means there’s no actual excuse not to write – and the only thing in common every writer in the world has is that none of us are writing right now. And don’t get me wrong, procrastinating is a hell of an important part to writing, the long breaks just watching the empty page, the hours long wondering what to fill these pages with, but that’s the tricky part right now, as nothing happens, there’s not much to share with you guys but a whole lot of frustrations and a deep sadness that nearly mocks me.
Quarantining has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but quarantining when I know I am close to aging, again?! Yeah, that’s a killer. I feel like those scenes in movies in which they go “it can’t get much worse than that” and then suddenly it’s pouring rain, and then someone goes “well at least we have an umbrella”, and a lightning strikes and it catches on fire…Aging has never been easy on me, it is my third year turning 19 and it absolutely sucks. This year was supposed to be my last moment as a college student, as my plans for the nearby future get here closer and closer and I desperately need to remain a kid for as long as this life will allow me. But the COVID strikes again and I shall remain inside for at least until July, which just sucks. And leads me to my topic, of the week.
I’ve never been of fan of aging, it stopped being fun when I was 16 and realized that it was gonna be downhill from there, but magically enough, I’ve always loved my birthday. It’s every Cancer Sun with a Leo progression dream to have a day in the year all to themselves in which everyone only cares and praises them, and you know what? I am a simple gal, all I wanted was to have my two best friends with me, sipping colorful cocktails at this cool bar and scoring free shots for being the birthday girl, I wanted my boyfriend to watch Frozen 2 with me or maybe another Harry Potter one – as we are finally finally doing our marathon – and go out to buy myself a decent present. But since this whole thing started, I feel like everything is sort of a lesson, and some are harder to swallow than others.
For instance, this taught all of us that as much fun as it is to make plans, we can not have every little thing figured out ever, because life in all it’s glory, is also the most unpredictable thing in the universe, it throws you down, laughs at your face and that is perhaps the most fun part about being alive, even though this one has gone too far already and I desperately need my life back, but during this whole process, as tragic as it was, I still had one of those moments in which I stopped and went, you know what? I can’t wait to laugh at this someday.
Because in my 19 years and 36 months all I’ve managed to learn is that it doesn’t matter how traumatizing a situation is at the moment, we tend to make things bigger when they are happening, and when it doesn’t bothers us anymore in three weeks is when we realize that it was another one of those moments, in which you thought it was going to be the end of the year but it ended up being a conversation you tell at a bar after your third drink.
As my birthday approaches and I get more and more nostalgic about everything, the days that like seemed easier and how it’s only going to be worst from now on, I also learn to accept the way life challenges us. I think this is the year I’ve been the most realistic about things, I’ve realized a lot of things about myself, been making important decisions and daydreaming about a future that is much more likely than the one I’ve envisioned for so long. It’s unfortunately true what they say, that when you grow older you get a newer sense of reality, and it doesn’t mean you forget how to dream or you just get used to the ordinary life, it just means that you start to look at those things differently.
And different is welcome, different makes things that we could never appreciate when we are teenagers, interesting. It gives us new eyes and new goals, it challenges us to question a lot and to understand a lot more – as now we are able to have peaceful debates with ourselves without immediately being terrified of any sort of change. Growing up is an experience that I feel that the more I go through, the less scary it gets, and while it isn’t my favorite thing still, it’s rewarding to see that I no longer am terrified of my own shadows, I am not longer afraid of what the future may hold, I am on the other hand very excited, and I’ve never wanted so badly for things to work and blossom just the way I want them to.
But meanwhile, I am still very young, and the long is road and bumpy, growing up is not linear and it won’t ever be. It’s filled with your worse thoughts and fears, with relapses here and there, inner sabotage and a lot of terrified moments that leads you to the most childish thing of all of them: Calling your momma crying hoping she will let you come back home. And those days are needed, because sometimes we need to prove to ourselves that no matter what age she will still always be there, or remind ourselves that there will never be a place on this Earth that we will feel as secure than on our mom’s arms. But other times, growing up will be rewarding, all while still scaring the living crap out of us, it will be there to remind you that life doesn’t include afternoon naps without an alarm set, that coffee on breakfast is demanded and that doesn’t matter how much you procrastinate, you will always need to get that shit done. And albeit what I thought a year ago, when it was all still very scary and not nearly as exciting as I thought it was gonna be, it’s perhaps the most important path we all go through. With lifes different colors and a lot of courage, trust me, the path isn’t even so bad.
Until next week beloved readers, I love you all and please stay safe and out of trouble, but if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.
– Your Girl on the Go