Dear beloved readers,
This week was just…so hard. And so long. Truth is, whatever excitement over adult life I had is gone and forgotten. The amount of stuff I have to do, paired with all my college responsibilities, and keep in mind it’s that time of the semester again in which we have a shitload of stuff to do and no one is actually cooperating to make each other’s lives easier and honestly, I am so close to having a mental breakdown and if I didn’t have this huge test on Monday that I am crazy worried about, I’d burst into tears right now.
I think it’s kind of funny how I’ve always wanted to work on Vogue and how even though I am still not working there (not yet at least), my boss manages to just as bad as Miranda Priestly sometimes. Not even funny.
I don’t know, I am in that point of my life that I have barely any social life and I am so crazy worried about everything, and at the same time I don’t think I am growing professionally in my job and college is just all over the place and well…Safe to say I am considering just quitting this stupid job, in which I make the most ridiculous amount of money, so little is not even worth keeping, and like…There’s just no point anymore, considering I am not seeing this as a big achievement, I am not doing what I truly love to do that is write, I am not in a career path I’d like to be, and above all of that, I am not being treated with the amount of respect I deserve for being a human being, instead, I feel like I am daily treated as a clueless young girl whose true job there is making everyone’s ego bigger since everyone just steps on me all fucking day.
It may sound as if I am exaggerating but the truth is, I never realized how sexist a work environment could be, specially to young girls. I heard the stories throughout my life but really, it’s insane! At this point I am just going to wait until my contract expires so I can get the hell out and figure something. My fear right now is not being good enough for another job, which is pathetic since I got one in the very first place and I can get another one just as fine…But I don’t know, something about the fact that everyone else from my inner circle is currently working and if I do quit I will be the only one without a job makes me feel…Almost as if I am less. When in reality, if I do quit when my contract expires it will be based on what’s best for me and my mental health…But still.
It’s hard for me not to compare myself with other people, specially when I feel as if my life is so different from theirs. And specially in this aspect, I feel as if I am failing something that everyone else is succeeding pretty hard, since everyone is also working and studying and I seem to be the only one unable to deal with all this pressure. Sure, not all of them have the same struggles in their jobs as I do, but nobody’s working life is perfect, that’s a fact, and still it seems as if I am the only one stuck in this place in which I cannot take anymore and I just want to leave.
I think the hardest thing I will ever have to learn, because yes, I am still learning this after dealing with it through all my life, is that, not everyone I meet will like me. It’s not that personal really, I read somewhere once that some people will love you, some will hate you, but the truth is, none of that is any of your business and there’s really not much to do with you personally. It’s true, some people will dislike you without even knowing you, and some will have the opportunity to get to know you but it just won’t click. We are all different people trying to get along in this big blue Earth and sometimes, we just don’t. And that’s okay. When it really is none of your business is okay. But the moment it happens inside a scenario in which you have to see the person everyday and the person is in a higher position than you…Then it becomes extremely toxic, nearly unbearable. Because then it becomes personal. It’s no longer about not liking you as a person, is all about dragging you down, and not taking your job seriously, and treating you as less. And that is unacceptable.
I know this post is much more of a vent than anything else, truth is not every week I will have some great advice or story to share, sometimes I will be the one lost and confused and desperate to know what the heck I should do with my life. But I also like to show you guys those sides. Sometimes I feel like I come here so excited every week I only get to share with you guys the fun, exciting side of myself, of my life, when in reality, there’s so much to it. There are days I don’t feel beautiful, and days I cry myself to sleep, days in which I procrastinate for hours and it seems as if I did nothing at all. There are times in which everything just sucks and I hate everyone and don’t get along with anyone and I even vomit because of my anxiety and my inability of going a day without letting my OCD drive me insane. And that’s just as much a part of my life, as the fun, flirty, cool side is. If not even more.
The thing is, regardless how bad things go in my life, I am doomed as an over positive person (most of the time at least) and I always tend to try and see the glass half full, for the sake of my mental health and to give me a reason to keep going. But sometimes, we must realize that it’s a fact that there’s a half that is very much empty, and we can’t just ignore that. Even with the other full half still there, sometimes the empty one will be more noticeable, and that’s okay. We must realize that seeing this emptiness doesn’t mean we are seeing things through a bad eye and we are not giving things a chance. Because the truth is, sometimes it doesn’t matter how much more we try to fill the glass, the empty part will keep being there and we must acknowledge it in order to learn from it and move on. It’s not easy, trust me, as someone who literally had to taught herself how to see the glass half full, whenever I have to notice the empty half I feel my heart sinking a little bit, but sometimes we cannot live only getting half when we deserve the whole thing. Some decisions are harder to make than others, but whatever it’s going to happen, whatever decision you make regarding your life should be always considering what makes you happy. And if even with a half glass full there’s still not much to be happy about, maybe it’s time to fill it up, and in order to do that, we gotta find out what this emptiness means and what we can do to make it fuller. But while I don’t figure that out and I don’t make any grand decisions that I may regret later, I will keep in mind that I will always have this blog to do what I truly love and where I am truly appreciated and I know I will always have you guys, plus a lot of people who love me, who will support my decisions and love me regardless.
To sum up: Not everyone in this life is going to like you, it’s hard to find people who will get you, let alone who will like you. But as long as we remember that we are not the reflection of those who can’t love, understand and respect us, then I am sure we will be more than fine.
I am still filled with concerns and doubts and still have a long way to go studying for my midterms, not to mention all the work I will have to do next week, but I truly needed to write all of this and I am glad I decided to take this break to do so and of course, hit my juul. I love you guys endlessly, what we built here means to me so much more than you can even imagine, and if anything happens, career wise, I will always sense a rightness to my choices for having the opportunity to do what I love the most with the people I love the most, and that my friends, is priceless. Thank you for being the best job ever, even without paying me a cent.
Until next week, luckily with great grades, a glass half full and less stress, but if anything happens, since I am too busy to do anything, let alone get in trouble, please do it for, just don’t forget to tell me all about it.
– Your Girl on the Go