Dear beloved readers,
I am still a bit overwhelmed with all the positive feedback you guys gave to me with last week’s post. Not only I got tons of people telling me how much what I wrote helped them, I had close friends telling me the same thing and that my friends, is priceless.
But then again, I think I’ve made clear since day one that I consider you guys just as much and like you listen to my rants every week, I am always always always here for you guys too. And today I am going to talk about something that last week was bothering me and this week, since I am still pretty hurt, I decided to just go for it. After all, we are all friends and sometimes, even if I am yet again talking about this damn topic, I will need you guys to listen too.
As we drive along this road called life, occasionally, a gal will find herself a little lost. And I guess this is included in this whole ‘growing up’ package that comes with paying bills, living alone and losing people you never in a million years you thought you would. Sigh.
I consider myself young to the amount of bullshit I’ve dealt with so far in life. From bad experiences to personal issues, I can say that nothing can hurt a human more than being trapped in a toxic relationship. From partners to friends, it can be something so much bigger than it seems. I feel like it really is something I never expected to be trapped in, I always considered myself too wise for my own good but I guess I was wrong.
The main point about this one is to tell you guys that it’s never okay to allow people in your life to project any kind of negativity on you. It’s not healthy and it is something you can get out of. Sure, there are cases and cases, but recently I found myself stuck in a situation, with friends who I’ve known for more than 5 years and who I’ve loved as my own family, and I was shocked when I – after sitting down with my mom to talk because I was just that blind – realized I was too, trapped in a toxic friendship. It hurts a lot to talk about it because I still feel manipulated and awful for falling for this stupid game but the damage is already done. And I am writing this one purely with the purpose to tell you guys that no matter how much you love someone and how much their presence in your life is important, once this person proves not to be a good one and projects so much negativity on you you can hardly breath, that my friend is not okay. And it’s more than okay to realize that and get the f*ck out. No one is irreplaceable and no one dies because people we once thought the world of, proved to be assholes in the end. It sucks, but it’s life, and the great thing about life is that it’s always moving no matter what.
You have to remember to put yourself first always, in every situation and to hell who tells you that this makes you selfish. This makes you secure, this makes you smart, because you gotta be your priority no matter what. In the end of the day the only person you can rely on and trust is yourself and this may sound harsh and lonely but the sooner you realize that the easier it will be to cut toxic people from your life.
I guess it’s kinda funny to write this one because I apparently have been stuck in one for a long time and I didn’t even realize. I think getting in college and meeting new people was honestly the best thing that could’ve happened to me because it allowed me to know that I am capable of meeting new people and making new friends and that people actually like me and don’t just hang out with me because they are used to me or whatever. I met people who care for me and who love me and who actually enjoy being around me. And isn’t that what a friendship is all about? Commitment and being a shoulder to cry on? Loving no matter what and only judging when necessary? Being there at three in the morning and at three in the afternoon? Genuinely caring for you and you caring for them?
I’ve been stuck in this group of friends that I, clearly, never meant to them what they meant to me. We’ve faced a ton of fights and jealousy and harsh words and judgments and in the end of the day, I would feel a little broken and a lot lonely, but I would tell myself that this was what friends do. And it’s true, a friendship, just like every other relationship, won’t always be perfect and a sea of red roses and all that jazz. Sometimes you will face disagreements and sometimes you will need a break from each other. But as soon as you notice this is happening more often than it should, it’s probably because they were never very good friends to begin with.
And all of this got me wondering: It’s so easy to write all this advices for you guys every week and I know all those things and I do believe in them with all my heart. Then if that’s the case, how come I ended up stuck here?
I think it has something to do with the value we attribute to ourselves. Sometimes you will think you are worth less than you truly are and it’s normal, it’s okay, no one is 110% every hour of every day. But it’s important to remember that if you are worth something later you are worth something now. People will suck and people will make you feel as if you are wrong, as if you owe them things you just don’t, as if you are nothing without them. But I can promise you one thing, you dear beloved reader, are whole without anyone else. Fake, toxic friends can go and screw themselves. Sometimes I feel like we crave such a deep connection with people and end up settling for the wrong kind of connection just because it’s still some sort of connection. Wait, does that make any sense? Anyways, what I am trying to say is, I’ve always looked for friends that felt more like family than anything else. I needed this because I needed some sort of promise that no matter what, I would always have them, and calling it a family made this bond more real. But sometimes, a simple friendship with someone that does not promise to be the maid of honor at your wedding day is a lot less disappointing than the ones that promise who will be there through thick and thin and end up letting you down more than anything else.
We need people though. Unfortunately, I don’t think we would survive this big blue Earth on our own. Trust me, I’ve tried and it does get pretty boring at some point. We need people, and we need friends, but we have to just accept that some people are just not made for deep conversations, or for holding we together when we are about to fall apart, or for keeping we from unzipping our skin, or for talking we out of suicide, or to love we through the worst moments of our lives. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them bad people, and let me tell you, many won’t be about to handle a storm like you, or like me. And it’s important to know that it doesn’t make us bad people either.
We have to accept that there will be people that cannot give us what we need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in our lives. We just have to figure out who these ones are before we end up disappointed. And we have to keep them at arm’s length. We cannot expect everyone in our lives to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or to rant about feminism, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when we have to get away from all that heaviness. We have to. And we will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s ass, or a debate on the color of the dress. We will need those ones. So what I am trying to say is: We need to figure out who are the ones worth keeping, put them on, I don’t know, a list, toxic and non-toxic people, and you start to cut them after, but cut the ones who actually hurt you, the ones who manipulate you, drag you down, make you uncomfortable, make you feel humiliated and above all, doesn’t deserve you. But don’t cut the one who are just not quite as there with you, just don’t keep them that close. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.
To sum up, toxic people use their power and evil skills to project on us whatever is wrong with them. And that is not okay and if you find yourself somewhat stuck in this, just remember that the only kind of toxic you need in your life, is Toxic by Britney Spears. Amen.
Until next week, college is back and I am ready to start a new chapter that makes me way more happy than all these years of fake friends and heavy, negative vibes ever did. I hope you learned something useful with this one and until next time, cut the toxic jerks from your life and stay out of trouble and if you don’t – oh my god, tell me all about it.
– Your Girl on the Go